You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
