I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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