The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
