Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
