Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
