jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
