Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
