I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
