we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Randomize
