1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
