does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
