I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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