My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
