It's Friday. Sex?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
