life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
