Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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