you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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