this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize