I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
im on a boat
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