My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
