he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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