No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
