took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's shark week go big or go home
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
