Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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