OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
