u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
