I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
