You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
