I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dicks are not precious.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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