just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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