does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
