just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
