there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
you made out with another girl for some wings
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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