good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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