i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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