I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
