it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just pynch a tree in the face
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
