I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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