My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize