Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize