I puked a lego.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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