he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
