Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I need to align my fucking chakras
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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