sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
