My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
