I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
