This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
