I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize