Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
