You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
