Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I party with great urgency now.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
