My friends, they love my intelligence
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
