Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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