I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
