Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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