Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
